I feel blessed today. And happy. And content.
I am not going to lie, that has not been the case over the past month or so. I have been in such a funk mentally, it is not even funny.
Life has been very good. I am physically healthy. I lift weights daily, have very high energy levels most days, and hey! I even ran my first ever 5K two weeks ago.
I was even blessed to spend a weekend away with my hubby, at a gorgeous little B&B.
So why have I been in a funky mood?
Worry. Fear. And discontentment have plagued me.
I have been so worried and afraid of my cancer coming back (even after being told by the doctor, I am clear, and healthy, and have very a small chance of recurrence) to the point of making myself feel ill, and making others miserable around me.
Cancer took a lot out of me mentally. It took away my peace of mind, and days of not worrying about the future.
About two weeks ago, I broke down for about two days. Crying, and worrying, and even bitter anger erupted from me.
And I came to a realization. I needed healing.
I so desperately wanted my life to get back to normal after treatment ended last year, that I suppressed those feelings, and hid them away, until they just spilled over during an angry rage while exercising. (pretty sure anyone who drove by during that walk thought I had lost my mind with how I was waving my arms, yelling, and crying...)
I never gave myself a time of mourning. A time to miss what my illness brought and took away.
And for me that was wrong.
"When there is a fresh wound in your heart, keep it open until it heals. Air it out. Understand it. Dive into it. Be fierce enough to become it. If you ignore it, it won't be able to breath. If you ignore it, it will merely deepen, spread, and resurface later, wanting to release. And when later happens, it will hurt even more, because when later happens, you won't know what you're bleeding for. Remain with it until it clears, and watch the beauty pour into your openness. Remain open to feel lightness. Remain open to feel free." ~ Victoria Erickson
I should have allowed myself to cry over those losses. To mourn. To let GOD step in and heal my broken heart. Maybe if I had, the past few months would not have been so emotionally tumultuous.
GOD has been showing me it is okay to feel sad and even mourn what has been taken away from you in life. Our responsibility though is how we react to such losses.
"It's not the load that breaks you down. It's the way you carry it." ~C.S. Lewis
While I am by no means healed mentally from this disease, and it's gains and losses, I am feeling better about it.
I have even been transferring my nervous energy into making quilts for friends that are having babies, and for those in my church that have recently lost loved ones.
I am not 100 percent there, by any means. But GOD is at work, and I am doing MUCH better.
After you season of suffering, GOD in all HIS grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10
Have you ever hidden a pain in your life to the point where it suddenly erupted and surprised you? How has GOD been helping you heal that pain?
Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thank for stopping by!