Aren't ya'll all so proud of me? I actually got a post up when I said I would. :D Normally when I say I am going to post something, I take my sweet time, and its never up when I said it would be (like my final post on femininity that has yet to appear...). But any who, back to the subject at hand...
Let's see here, where were we? Oh yes, it is the end of summer 2008, and we were headed straight into the fall of that year. I had just recently made the decision to not go to school, but spend my time working at the local restaurant. I was determined not to worry about whether I should go to school the following year. I had decided to spend my spare time instead praying and seeking out where the LORD would lead me in the future.
Each and every day that summer and into fall, the LORD slowly started chipping away at my heart. Slowly, but surely, my attitude began to change. I began to accept the LORD's guidance that I just needed to focus that time in my life, as a period of seeking. It was only by HIS mercy and grace that I was able to have that special time to pursue HIS will.
During this time of praying and searching for HIS will, my mom began to show me some concepts that the LORD had been showing her. It was the then foreign, idea of becoming what is called a 'stay at home daughter'. Instead of explaining it herself, she gave me several articles to read. Within these articles, young women were dismissing time spent at college, for time spent at home under the authority and protection of their parents, most specifically, under their father.
It means not focusing upon the desires of their heart in going to college to gain a career, but to spend their single years focusing upon serving their family. It means putting away your desires, and putting the desire of the LORD first and foremost. In particular the command given by Paul in Titus 2 for women to be keepers at home.
While I didn't reject this idea to begin with, I didn't accept it fully either. I still had that horrible attitude of selfishness. I mean, in my thoughts, as are the thoughts of most women, being a keeper at home is for married women. Why should I stay home, and not go to college? I'm not married, I don't have children, why should I not go to college and do what I please while I am single?
Another aspect that bothered me greatly about the idea of stay at home daughter hood is the whole thing of "preparing yourself for marriage". While I was all for marriage, and still am ;), I could not see the reasoning in spending your single years preparing yourself for it. I naively thought that after you work for awhile, you find your prince, fall madly in love, get married , have a few kids, and voila! You're content and happy with your life. A happily ever after ending as I like to say. '_'
So I attempted to shove the concept to the side, and go on with working, and waiting for the LORD to bring about some other "option" for my life. ;)
While I was enjoying the time in my life sitting at the feet of Jesus, I began to grow restless (a sign the LORD is working I believe). I kept getting that question over and over, "What are you going to do now you're out of school?" I felt so lowly, saying I was only working as a waitress. That just added another excuse to stray away from becoming a stay at home daughter. If people looked down at my decision to work at a job like that, what would they think of me if I said I believed the LORD does not want me to go to college, but stay at home and help my family?! GASP!
Fall came and went. With the change of seasons, I grew mentally fatigued. I could wait no longer. I was so tired of feeling as if people looked down on me. I made the decision in January 2009, to go to the local community college and complete the certificate program in becoming an Optometeric Assistant.
This was my answer to all my problems I thought! I will get a great paying job, and no one will look down on me anymore! This must be what the LORD wants me to do. But there the whole time in the back of my mind, was that question and constant doubting of whether this was indeed the LORD's will for me. (but selfishness and pride kept me from digging deeper into it)
I completed the course in March of that year. I set about to find a job immediately. I put my resume in to every single eye care office in every town closest to us. I did not hear from any of them, until one office contacted me for an interview in late April.
I was pretty excited at the prospect of my possibly new job. But something hit me all of a sudden. It was like a huge brick wall of doubt, fear, and confusion. I didn't know what it was. I suddenly turned into an emotional basket case! One minute I was excited, the next I was balling and terrified!
I now know exactly what those feeling were. They were the very hand of my Saviour breaking me down emotionally, to draw me close to HIM, so I would finally listen to HIM and relent my life to HIM 100 percent of the way! I
I talked to my parents and told them my feelings. While they did offer advice, they never once told me what they thought I should do. They kept telling me over and over, do what you believe the LORD would have you do, and not worry about what others may think or say. Pray for HIS guidance. For in the end, what you do for your LORD and saviour is the only thing that will ever matter.
I had to stop and think, what does GOD want from me? I had to put ALL of my desires, selfisness, pride, and concerns behind, and truly give my all to HIM. What a wonderful day that was! :D
Whew! What a post! I hope I am not overwhelming you, but I did not realize I had so much to say. But for now I need to stop. I will finish up my story tomorrow, with my final decision, and the concerns and issues I had to face with it. :D
But for now, have a wonderful evening! Thanks for stopping by!