Friday, January 23, 2015

Learning To Trust, If I'm Not Meant To Be A Mommy


I'm sitting here in my favorite computer nook of my house, wrapped in a blanket, with an outstanding cup of coffee sitting beside me. I look outside the window, and I see my birdfeeder hanging, and several birds flitting back and forth to it, even with a light rain beginning to fall.

My workout for the day is done, laundry is caught up, 1 batch of laundry detergent has been made, the house cleaned, Bible reading is in, and 3 chapters in "Babies First Bites and Beyond" is done.

I've been reading quite a bit on parenting, child care, and pregnancy of late. Which is nothing really unusual for me. I was reading every book on the subject I could get my hands on before I was even in a courtship. :D

With rainy days, come contemplative days. And I can not help but wonder today, will the LORD bless Justin and I with children? And if not, can I be content in that fact?

I am going to be open and honest on here with ya'll. I hope you don't mind that. ;) I just feel like getting some thoughts out in the open air, to help clear the mind. Any who...

Before Justin and I were married, we talked about whether or not were going to use a natural means  of birth control (Fertility Awareness Method, I am FIRMLY against the pill, with it's abortive, and hormonal effects).

We decided that we would. I'm not sure we had a great reason to or not. We just wanted to spend a year, getting to know one another better, before children. ( I am not saying children will cause a strain on a new marriage. I've known several couples become pregnant with months of being married, and they praised the fact it brought them closer together as a couple. I'm also not saying everyone should avoid pregnancy for a year, or more. This is just what we felt led to do in our lives )

Our one-year anniversary came in April of 2014, and we talked about whether we would stop trying to avoid a pregnancy or not. At that point Justin said he was ready to be a daddy. But I did not feel as if I was ready to be a mommy.

I was going through some health issues, and I was trying to resolve them through natural means (herbs, nutrition, etc.) Physically, I did not feel I was ready to become pregnant.

Justin was fine with that, and with his AMAZINLY patient self, said it was fine with him to wait until I felt ready.

By October, I was feeling as if my health was returning, and I caught baby fever.

When my cycle started that November, I asked Justin if he was still ready to be a daddy, and he responded with are you ready to be a mommy.. I said I was ready, and we stopped "avoiding".

I will admit I was terrified those days that led up to that first period. I just "knew" I was pregnant.

But, as GOD would have it, I was not.

And so it has been for my last 3 cycles.

I'm not worried about not being able to get pregnant at this point. I am however, in awe at the fact that, as a friend put it one time, sex doesn't mean a baby.

It is only GOD's hand at work in your body, when you and your husband are expressing love toward another, is what makes a baby.

Will I become pregnant as time goes on? I don't know.

Maybe GOD has other plans for mine and Justin's lives.

Would I be joyful if HE did not see fit to bless us? I'd like to say yes, but I know it would be hard.

I'm not saying it would be impossible to be okay with that. GOD has brought me through so many trials in my life. There are countless times I have made plans for the future, to have GOD show me that HE has something different in mind.

Giving up hearts desires are just plain hard. But, in the end, we can rest in the knowledge HE is in control of our lives, and only wants what is best for us.

 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
Jeremiah 29:11

I fully trust the LORD with this aspect of my life. I just pray that if the LORD does not have children in my future, I will be able to trust in HIS grace, and wisdom.

What is the LORD teaching you to trust HIM about?

Have a wonderfully blessed day! Thanks for stopping by!
Angel

17 comments:

  1. Angel, I am so thankful for you!!

    As you know, I totally understand you. I think the hardest part for me is the (all-consuming) question: Can I even have children? I've found that being in this vague, ambiguous stage of life feels much harder than if I knew I was able to conceive or not.

    And, of course, I have to remind myself that these things take time and that God's timing is the absolute best.

    But the not-knowing can be very difficult.

    I am thankful for how our LORD teaches us one step at a time. He has us learning contentment, peace in HIS will, and rest in His love now. Perhaps He does have children in store for us and, hopefully by then, we will have learned and grown as women of God. But if He does not have physical children for us, I also hope that our faith, joy and love for Him will blossom in His choice.

    He is always good.

    Thank you for sharing your heart -- it was good to hear!!

    p.s. I can't help but wonder if I was the friend who mentioned that babies don't just come after sex? Hahaha, maybe you have another friend who thinks just like me? Funny, funny. :)

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    1. HE is always good! And yes, you are the friend. :D I believe it was a post from last year, and that quote has always stuck with me. :D It really hit home to me the past few months. :)

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  2. Angel, I am in the same boat as you as I await my marriage in September - we want to start trying straight away and I am *already* wondering "what if it is not to be?" I guess we just have to leave it up to God and see :)

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    1. GOD knows best. I pray that HE blesses you soon. :)

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    2. And I will do the same for you :)

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  3. I can relate, because as soon as I got married I was sure I would get pregnant immediately. And when it didn't happen *right away,* I wondered what the Lord had in store for us. Even though I had only to wait three months before finding out we were pregnant, those were a hard three months as I wondered what the future held and contemplated what it could mean to never have children of our own. You are right, the not knowing can be very difficult. I will be praying for you!

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    1. Thank-you Tiffany! Prayers are a great encouragement. :)

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  4. Angel, I pray God strengthens and encourages you as you go through this circumstance in your life.How wonderful to know that he is in control, and the giver of all good things!
    1 Thessalonians 5:18
    Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
    James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

    Maddy

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    1. Thank-you Madeline! It is wonderful to know HE is in control. :D

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  5. Ah, dear friend, it is always difficult to peek over that steep cliff of "what if God says no" ... yet we must face that, and be willing to look back up into His face and say "yes, if You will carry me over this chasm that frightens me and fills me with such dread, if You will fill my emptiness with Your love and peace, then I will go to that place. I will give it up". I'm speaking to myself more than I'm speaking to you - there are so many things that I have not completely released into God's hands, and must, if I am ever going to be truly satisfied in Him and useful to Him. In different areas, I do understand what you're facing.

    I wish I could come and sit with you and help in whatever way I could - listening, making you some tea, just giving you a hug. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts this week. I love you, my friend and my sister!

    Sending warm hugs your way,
    Vicki

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    1. Thank-you Vicki! Wouldn't it be wonderful if of all of us blog sisters in Christ, could meet up together and encourage one another in person? :) And I will be continuing to pray for you Vicki! :D

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    2. I replied to you on my blog ... <3

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  6. Thanks for your honesty! I love honest people! Thinking and praying for you. I got pregnant after about 4 months after being married, so I didn't have to wait too long. I have three little ones now, and I had to have C-sections with all of them, which means we can't just have as many as we want. We are both from large families, So for us, we've had to trust that God will give us the right amount even if it's not as many as we would like. And we are very thankful for the ones that we do have.
    Make the most of the time that you do have to yourselves, because when/if the little ones come, your life completely changes! :)
    I really enjoy reading your blog!
    Emily

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    1. Thank-you for your encouraging words Emily! And I am glad you have enjoyed your visit. :D

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  7. praying for you - yes to trust His timing can be so hard! hugs to you and God will give you the strength and grace.

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  8. Dear Angel,
    I don't pretend to undestand what you are going through (i'm not married) but I wanted to tell you: don't loose hope and trust in God's plan, i'm sure your life will be blessed beyond measure.
    Hugs

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  9. I often wonder the same, especially since I am still unmarried and only months away from my 30th birthday. I have a burning desire to be a mother and I'm doing all I can now to make that possible if I ever do get married through preparing my body through nutrition and exercise and preparing my life financially by getting out of debts and building my savings. I have prayed that God would take away these feelings if being a mother is not part of His plan for me - but He hasn't, so I continue to work under the assumption that some how, some way, I will one day be a mom and I must trust His timing as to how and when that happens. It may be I don't have biological children, maybe I'll adopt or be a foster mom. Maybe I'll be a god mother for friends' children. I don't know, but I'm learning to trust regardless of the outcome - because I'm still a mommy at heart.

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Well hello there! Thanks for stopping by! I LOVE to hear from you all out there. Just please remember to keep everything kind and Christ-like. In the words of that wise papa rabbit, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". :)