Saturday, May 21, 2016

Healing

 Right now I am sitting in my favorite chair, a warm, tall cup of liquid happiness is sitting beside me, and the sound of my hubby vacuuming out the two inches of dust that settled into my Jeep after a day riding trails with the doors off, is filling the air.
 
I feel blessed today. And happy. And content.
 
 
I am not going to lie, that has not been the case over the past month or so. I have been in such a funk mentally, it is not even funny.
 
Life has been very good. I am physically healthy. I lift weights daily, have very high energy levels most days, and hey! I even ran my first ever 5K two weeks ago.
 
I was even blessed to spend a weekend away with my hubby, at a gorgeous little B&B.
 
 
So why have I been in a funky mood?
 
Worry. Fear. And discontentment have plagued me.
 
 
I have been so worried and afraid of my cancer coming back (even after being told by the doctor, I am clear, and healthy, and have very a small chance of recurrence) to the point of making myself feel ill, and making others miserable around me.
 
Cancer took a lot out of me mentally. It took away my peace of mind, and days of not worrying about the future.
 
 
About two weeks ago, I broke down for about two days. Crying, and worrying, and even bitter anger erupted from me.
 
And I came to a realization. I needed healing.
 
 
I so desperately wanted my life to get back to normal after treatment ended last year, that I suppressed those feelings, and hid them away, until they just spilled over during an angry rage while exercising. (pretty sure anyone who drove by during that walk thought I had lost my mind with how I was waving my arms, yelling, and crying...)
 
 
I never gave myself a time of mourning. A time to miss what my illness brought and took away.
And for me that was wrong.
 
"When there is a fresh wound in your heart, keep it open until it heals. Air it out. Understand it. Dive into it. Be fierce enough to become it. If you ignore it, it won't be able to breath. If you ignore it, it will merely deepen, spread, and resurface later, wanting to release. And when later happens, it will hurt even more, because when later happens, you won't know what you're bleeding for. Remain with it until it clears, and watch the beauty pour into your openness. Remain open to feel lightness. Remain open to feel free." ~ Victoria Erickson
 
I should have allowed myself to cry over those losses. To mourn. To let GOD step in and heal my broken heart. Maybe if I had, the past few months would not have been so emotionally tumultuous.
 
 
GOD has been showing me it is okay to feel sad and even mourn what has been taken away from you in life. Our responsibility though is how we react to such losses.
 
"It's not the load that breaks you down. It's the way you carry it." ~C.S. Lewis
 
While I am by no means healed mentally from this disease, and it's gains and losses, I am feeling better about it.
 
 
I have even been transferring my nervous energy into making quilts for friends that are having babies, and for those in my church that have recently lost loved ones.
 
 
I am not 100 percent there, by any means. But GOD is at work, and I am doing MUCH better.
 
After you season of suffering, GOD in all HIS grace will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. 1 Peter 5:10
 





Have you ever hidden a pain in your life to the point where it suddenly erupted and surprised you? How has GOD been helping you heal that pain?
 
Have a wonderfully blessed day everyone! Thank for stopping by!
Angel

8 comments:

  1. Oh, Angel, this was everything I needed today and GOD was so good to send it my way.

    Thank you for your honesty and transparency. As you know, life is a hard season right now, and I'm tempted to not deal with it properly. I go between wanting to keep busy, to angry tears to contentment. And it's very hard to simply let myself mourn our loss without turning it into a temper tantrum or pity pit.

    I'm going to focus on simply reflecting on our loss -- it hurts. But I need to understand it, not grow angry or avoid it.

    So thank you. Love to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hugs to you sweet friend! I know how hard it is to mourn. But one thing I have learned through this, is that crying over a loss, and angry tears can help in the healing process. (I have felt A MILLION times better since my rant) And when the time is right, investing time in another person.

      Quilt making for others has been so healing for me. It has let me be creative, and its been an opportunity to think and bless one who is going through a trial, or to rejoice with them.

      In time, GOD is going to use this hurt in your life, and HE will use you greatly. Without the cancer, I don't think I would have been so aware of how much some people suffer in life. And how much they need someone that understands what they are going through, to relate to them. In time, GOD is going to use you. :)

      Delete
  2. I'm sorry.
    I certainly have never had cancer but have dealt with Graves' Disease and digestive issues since I was a teenager. I have gone threw several bad periods in my life. I felt a lot better reading the book Stepping Heavenward. There is a reason for every struggle we go threw in life. I also recently discovering salmon oil, Wow! I started taking http://www.costco.com/Pure-Alaska-Omega%E2%84%A2-Wild-Salmon-Oil-1%2c000-mg.%2c-180-Softgels.product.11745704.html and I have been feeling so much chipper lately and have had a lot more energy and less pain. Then I got a book from the library called Omega-3 Effect and again WOW! Everyone needs to be on this stuff. Now I want to tell everyone to take it!

    Kimberly *smile*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank-you for recommending that supplement to me Kimberly! It is always so exciting to find a product that helps. And getting to share it with others is AWESOME too. I will be looking into that very soon!

      And one thing I have learned through this, is that everyone is suffering through something in life, whether it be physical or mental. GOD has a reason for each of those struggles, and as brothers and sisters in Christ, we all need to be aware of that, and encourage one another. Thank-you for doing that! :)

      Delete
  3. Yes, Angel, I have done this very thing, and just recently - I haven't really blogged about it much yet, but part of the reason I am changing majors is because my professors decided very early on that they did not want me in their program, and I was really never given a chance to succeed. I was harshly criticized by my mentors instead of receiving the extra help and support I needed. I didn't realize how badly this hurt me until several weeks later, when someone asked a question that exposed my wounds in all their ugly, bleeding rawness; and many days of weeping and anger ensued as I tried to understand why they gave up on me and refused to help me.

    I still don't have any answers to that question, except that I know God has a purpose in it that I don't understand yet; but as I have tried to accept that answer, He has given me greater peace about it. I still have a lot of healing and forgiving to do, and I confess that I have not sought God's comfort as much as I should have; but I know He has a reason and a purpose for everything I went through, and I feel confident that I will be allowed to see what it is very soon.

    I love you, Angel, and even in the low times and times of healing, I still consider you one of the strongest women I know, because you submit yourself so fully to the will of God. I pray that the Holy Spirit would continue to soothe and heal your heart!

    Hugs and sweet, cold mint tea (or your favorite summertime drink) to you! <3

    ~ Vicki

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh Vicki! I wish I could hug you and offer words of encouragement! I believe that when it is a circumstance that involves a person hurting you, that it is even harder to heal, and deal with. Because you have to forgive them. Unlike a sickness or loss, where they just happen. I take comfort in the fact you know GOD has a purpose in that pain. It's NOT easy to not know why the pain has been placed in your life, and have to wait for that purpose to be revealed. I pray that it will be revealed to you soon, and that you can look and see GOD and HIS goodness in it. :)

      I don't see myself as strong. I might submit myself to GOD's will, but you can guarantee that sometimes I am dragging my heals, and maybe kicking and complaining the whole time... ;)

      Hugs to you!

      Delete
  4. Hi Angel,
    I pray the Lord is with you during these difficult times! I know this is all happening for a reason, and is a part of his perfect plan! Even though I haven't had cancer, my baby sister died a year and a half ago, and that was so painful. I agree there were times the pain seemed so bitter it overwhelmed me. And there were also times that I thought I had begun to heal, when I would see, or hear something that reminded me and it would all come rushing back. I had a similar meltdown like you, but it was on Thanksgiving, that night. Nighttime is so hard for those who are grieving. Anyways, I will pray for you that the Lord would give you peace!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I needed that verse today. The pain stays and I can do nothing about it. But GOD tells me to cry out to HIM and HE does hear us. Oh, does HE ever hear us!

    I thank GOD every day for what he has done for you. HE is so good and always to be praised!

    Mama
    Mathew 6:33

    ReplyDelete

Well hello there! Thanks for stopping by! I LOVE to hear from you all out there. Just please remember to keep everything kind and Christ-like. In the words of that wise papa rabbit, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all". :)